The past few weeks have been difficult for me from a Mom standpoint. I am not a perfect mother, and although I wish I were, I never pretend to be. My sleep has been really off, the weather patterns have been really weird, and it seems like my toddler had entered the dreaded “Terrible Twos,” two months earlier than I had anticipated.
Reading a bit about parenting, finding resources, and trying to be intentional with how I/we parent is something that I put time and effort into. This is particularly true when it comes to disciplining/dealing with certain behaviours. I read a lot, I (think) I know a lot; but my goodness a toddler can really take a lot out of you. And on this particular morning, my toddler did just that.
It wasn’t even 11AM, and I was texting my husband that I may need him to come home from work early. It had been about a week and a half of fighting naps (which kids do), challenging behaviour, and flat out refusal to do what he was asked at times. All normal toddlers behaviour. That morning, I managed to get through a major tantrum, which included such things as throwing his water bottle off of the highchair, in anger. I calmly explained why we don’t throw things because we are angry, etc… After that situation settled down, I put him in his playpen to play a bit while I tried to organize myself for the day.
During this moment, he had stripped his clothes off and started telling me about “poop”.
As I went to get the potty, you guessed it, poop ended up outside of his diaper. Still, I remained calm. It was great that he was telling me about his toilet needs, right?
I cleaned his hands and then rushed upstairs as I held him in a way to make sure poop didn’t get on me or anything else. When we got upstairs to change his diaper, I placed him down and he started to run all around his room (poopy diaper intact). Still, I remained somewhat calm. That is until, somehow, poop got smeared on his leg (but thankfully not the carpet). I managed to clean that up, all while he fought me on the change table--kicking, tossing, flailing, shrieking, etc... As I started to put the diaper on, he peed all over the change pad as he continued to fight – and I lost it. I yelled at him to stay still and relax (ironic right? I know). Two minutes after I was done (and somewhat calmer), I felt terrible for yelling. Not because I raised my voice, but because I know I didn’t handle that situation well. I knew I didn’t set a good example. I spent the next, maybe 30-40 min or so cleaning out the playpen and toys, disinfecting – all the while pissed at the situation, pissed at myself for losing it and feeling like I was at my wits end.
I knew that I was unraveling (this was the word I used in the text to my husband) because I was so emotional.
I was angry, disappointed, frustrated and sad. My stress level was high and I was ready to cry several times.
I needed a break—but my husband couldn’t come home early, so I needed to take a few breaths and step away from the chaos for a few minutes as my, now clean, child sat reading calmly in his crib. I needed to check-in with myself and regroup. My child could be difficult and stubborn, but so could I. It is likely in his DNA. But he could also be sweet, well-mannered, and helpful.
Even though the rest of the day was not nearly as bad, Mom guilt set in hard for the next couple of days. Luckily for me, my in-laws had previously planned to have my son stay with them for the long weekend. I would get a chance to get a much needed mental, emotional and physical break.
I spent some time that Sunday morning reading articles to help me understand the toddler brain, their tantrums, and to learn how to reduce them. I felt like I had gained so much knowledge from these articles. I felt differently about the behaviors that I would have to deal with.
I am trying to raise a child that is confident, independent and can think for himself—that means that I am going to have to accept the fact that my child will be strong-willed, opinionated, and, at times, “difficult”.
I wish I could get the former without the latter, but it is very unlikely. My job as a parent is to help him learn, to guide, to love, and, to give him an environment to grow and make mistakes (and learn consequences). Not just to do what I say because I said it, or because I am there (although, let’s be real, that would make parenting a lot “easier”).
I have to remind myself of this over and over again because it is against so much of what I feel. Against what so many people have been told about parenting – that we have to make our children behave in a way that is appropriate by adult standards (even when they aren’t even sure what those are). But I decided that, moving forward, I am going to continue to be intentional when parenting. It will be hard. It will be messy. There may be some yelling, there may be some apologizing, there will be some meltdowns, there will be some tears. But, there will also be love, hugs and mutual respect.
"When adversity strikes, that's when you have to be the most calm. Take a step back, stay strong, stay grounded and press on" --LL Cool J