This is a piece I wrote almost exactly a year ago –and I am glad to see that this annoying situation was a catalyst for (at least some) change.
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Do you know your Myers-Briggs personality type? If you don’t, I suggest that you take the test and figure it out—I find it to be extremely accurate for myself and those around me. It has helped me to realize things about myself or to pinpoint things that I had not been able to previously.
My type is one that honors traditions, rules, kindness and social cohesion. We are apparently people who would prefer our needs go unmet to “keep the peace”. This all sounds super honorable right? Unfortunately, this also makes it difficult to say no. We feel a general obligation to help, listen, get involved somehow –even if it is not in our best interest. You can see how this can be problematic to oneself—but it is even more problematic to your partners—or even worse, your kids…
This is why I’m feeling a bit guilty today.
Following a hangout, I stayed behind just to nurse my son, knowing he would likely fall asleep in the car and I could transfer him directly to bed for his nap once he got home. He could then get a good nap before waking up for a late lunch, maybe even take another short nap later in the afternoon. Unfortunately, I got blindsided by a conversation I was not expecting. Which went on MUCH longer than I wanted or anticipated. Like a good 30+ minutes longer. My son, obviously tired starting fussing and I tried to use that as my reason to get going, but they wouldn’t stop talking. In fact, they seemed almost more persistent to continue the conversation. My frustration was growing, but obviously in trying to be polite, I continued to listen. Listened as they continued to sell me and push me into something I wasn’t interested in. My son started waving goodbye (I didn’t tell him to do that, he was just trying to leave) and it continued, even as I got him into the car seat and as I was walked out to my car. Ugh! I was so upset by then. I just wanted to get my kid home and I knew he’d fall asleep on the short drive, but I’d have to wake him for lunch – I knew it was going to be disastrous, and it was.
As I fed him lunch a few minutes later, he would sometimes start drifting off. At one point, he was so fussy that I was almost shoveling the food into his mouth. He would eat—but his face said it all, “Mommy, I am hungry, but I really just want to sleep”. I felt tears welling in my eyes. I couldn’t even be upset that he was freaking out and crying. This was my fault. I stayed back. I couldn’t shut down the conversation. I failed to put my kid’s needs above the need to be socially correct. And I felt terrible.
In fact, I felt pretty terrible for the rest of the day and the evening. My husband told me that when I choose to not make a decision, I am really making one. And that when I don’t make decisions due to fear of hurting someone, someone eventually gets hurt, whether that is in the moment or later. I know, this situation sounds insignificant, and I am happy that it was (although it didn’t feel that way at the time).
It was a wake-up call. My actions have real consequences on those closest to me. Every decision I make, whether that is staying in a conversation I don’t want to, working unnecessary overtime, not sleeping when I should –all of that impacts myself and my family – not just the person in the moment. That needs to be my new measure of things. Is this person’s disappointment worth my hurt/my family’s hurt? Probably not.
“There are two kinds of guilt: the kind that drowns you until you’re useless, and the kind that fires your soul to purpose.” ― Sabaa Tahir