I have been proactively working on facing and overcoming some of my fears. Becoming pregnant with my first child really put me in “reflection mode”. Life changes, whether positive or negative, have a way of causing us to reflect. I knew that it would be challenging to be the parent that I wanted to be and still hold on to the fears, that I felt, were keeping me from being a better version of myself.
When I say fears, I don’t mean being afraid of spiders, mice, heights, death, etc… (although those are all legitimate fears and can be debilitating to many in certain ways), those are fears that I would maybe call physical or tangible. One of my biggest fears is not tangible at all, it is the fear of being negatively judged. If you had asked me this 5 years ago, I would’ve probably said that I don’t really care about what people think, but, now that I am older, and wiser, I can admit the truth. My fear of judgement manifests itself in two main ways. All of which are problematic, and all of which I am slowly, but surely, trying to chip away at. 1) Hesitancy to put myself out there (share) 2) Reluctance to try new things (linked to my fear of failure).
I know what you must be thinking (or at least I think I do), “How can someone with a personal blog be wary of putting themselves out there”? And that would be a good question, like I said, I’m working on my fear. I didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to start this blog. Nope! It was something that I had been thinking of long before the cranio diagnosis that my son received. I thought about how, in theory, it would be great for me to write about my experiences with extended labour and a emergency c-section and the difficulty that comes with adjusting your expectations. About how lonely but also refreshing and fulfilling motherhood could be. But I wasn’t sure I wanted to share my feelings with everyone, more so, with the people I knew well. I finally decided that I was going to go ahead, that my discomfort was eclipsed by the possible needs of others. My fear wasn’t gone however.
In fact, my first full post, which I decided to go in with my guard down a bit, wasn’t even shared with my mom. I remember her voicemail on my answering machine and the message that she sent to me, that she read my blog post and she wanted to talk to me.
My heart was racing like crazy. I automatically started catastrophizing.
What if she read it and was mad at me for saying all of those things? What if she thought it reflected poorly on her as a mom that I felt that way? I wasn’t ready. So, when I called her the next morning, and she poured out love and admiration for me I was a little surprised. Not only for her support, but more, what she was supportive of, me putting myself out there. She was like a huge fan of my blog and wanted to share it with her friends. Well, if my mom wasn’t catching feelings, nobody else really should, right?
I let my guard down in a major way (to me anyway) in my last post. Until then, none of my blog posts had any pictures of my son or myself—and I kind of liked it that way. It was a barrier between me and the reader, I wanted them in the story, but not in too much. But with the last post, I wanted people to really feel what it was that families like ours go through, and I didn’t feel like I could do the process justice without photos. I mean, they say that “a picture is worth a thousand words” – so where my words failed, I hoped that the pictures picked up and filled in my gaps. I also decided that I was going to share that blog post (because it was so personal and so detailed), outside of my usual personal spaces. Until last post, I had only used my Facebook account and IG. Friends and family had suggested that I share it with parenting or cranio groups that I am a part of.
To me, it felt like I was selling myself—and again, I didn’t want to appear pushy, self-absorbed, or any number of terrible or annoying character traits.
So I refrained. But I wanted it to reach a different audience this time and specifically for those in the cranio groups, maybe help them along their journey and give them someone to reach out to if needed. So I shared it there. I also went a bit further and shared it on LinkedIn. The latter was really difficult. I wrestled with what a future potential employer would think, reading about my emotional volatility as I navigated parenthood and ultimately, adulthood. But I took that chance.
Sharing through these new networks didn’t get me more views, more subscribers, or more shares; but it did do something for me.
It threw me outside of my comfort zone. It put ME out there for colleagues and strangers to see (in all of my tired and hospital clothes glory). It is said that nothing great happens inside your comfort zone, and it's true. After sharing my post, I receive numerous private messages of love, support and empathy. People shared their stories with me, in ways that I did not expect or could not have imagined, and I felt so honoured and so touched to be the receiver of those stories. They were fuel for me to keep going, keep sharing, keep writing, and for that, I am truly thankful.
I’m not yet over my fear of people judging me—I don’t know if I will ever really get there to be honest. My Myers-Briggs personality type (which I find eerily accurate) is filled with people-pleasing characteristics, and that’s okay. What’s not okay, is me getting in the way of myself because of what people may (or most times may not) think of me, my thoughts, and my choices. But, do bear with me while I figure that all out…
And you—what fears are getting in your way of doing more of what you would want to do? More of what you love? Of living your life in a way that was unapologetic? Let me know! I’m anxious to hear. Until then, I’ll be working on removing those fears, little by little.
“There is nothing more vulnerable than creativity. It’s not about winning, it’s not about losing, it’s about showing up and being seen.” — Brene Brown