In the past week, I celebrated a birthday.
Growing up, I was always so exciting in the months leading up to my birthday. I would spend hours pouring over the section about parties and games in the Childcraft library (yes, I just aged myself, but that’s okay), planning my perfect party). I often had themes, a guest list, food options, date and time all picked out months in advance. I was way ahead of the “party-schedule” that was included in the books (I guess that is proof that my planning skills are innate). Unfortunately, it didn’t usually go as planned. We always celebrated my birthday in some way or another, with some friends and family– but my parents likely did not have the time and/or budget to grant all of my requests.
That changed when I was turning 20 – I guess the idea of that “bigger number” sort of freaked me out, I didn’t feel like celebrating. I just felt like moping in my dorm room while contemplating my life. It didn’t help that the weather was really miserable that day- cold, wet with some freezing rain. My parents couldn’t come to visit because of the weather. My friends from back home couldn’t make it. I was bummed. Luckily, my rezmates convinced me to do something to celebrate, and despite trying to pull things off last minute, I had a good time. However, in the days leading up to my birthday since then, I contemplate, set goals, and reflect on the year that has gone by.
In the weeks leading up to my birthday this year, I was not at all excited. Like I straight up didn’t care. It was last year, on my birthday, that the neurosurgeon personally called me to tell me that there was an opening for my son’s surgery in 5 days if I was still interested. That definitely ruined any possible celebratory vibe. A year later, I still felt like my birthday had somehow been tainted. I still reflected, as I have done in years past, and decided that I am tired of making these basic goals. Or at least goals that I had no intention of actively working towards (I figured, I really need to be honest with myself here). This year’s goals are going to take over a year to achieve, but I need to start somewhere, and I need people (you) to help keep me accountable. So here they are, my #BirthdayGoals.
1. Make Space
One of the things I need to do is to make space (physically and emotionally) for things that make me happy.
Physically – that means I need to declutter. I need to get rid of clothes that I will likely never fit into again, clothes that I beat myself up over every time they hug a curve or roll in a way that I don’t like. Some of them are things that I owned in college. They need to go. I also need to donate items that someone else could make better use of. Those Pinterest projects that I bought and saved things for (but likely won’t do for another 5 years...if ever), they need to go. I’m not a hoarder -- I love creating things (oh my gosh, is that what hoarders say?) my things are neatly in their spaces, and are not taking over my house.
I am just going to make an effort to surround myself with things that I have completed or make me happy, as opposed to constant reminders of failed attempts.
Emotionally—this means reassessing my relationships, or better yet, just letting them be. I try to maintain so many relationships that, to be very honest, have already fizzled. Have you ever heard the poem “A Reason, A Season and A Lifetime”? There are people who were meant to be in my life for only a reason or a season, yet I have spent so much energy trying to make them strong lifetime relationships. I am constantly disappointed in people for not making as much effort in the relationship as I feel like I am, and I end up more frustrated for falling into the cycles over and over again. Sometimes you may not speak to someone for awhile, and you reconnect, and it is great. Other times, you just need to be friends on social media and reach out on birthdays and holidays. Either way, I have spent way too much energy on these relationships at the expense of building new, and possibly, valuable ones. This ends now. It doesn’t mean I’m cutting people off. I’m just making space for relationships that uplift instead of drain me.
2. Be Present
They say that due to social media and changes in technology we have become increasingly socially inept. With our multitude of devices, we are constantly connected or feel the need to be connected. I am definitely guilty of this. The social butterfly in me loves the ability to be in 6 different conversations simultaneously (thus keeping in touch with multiple people in a fraction of the time). Being at home with a baby (especially in the earlier months) can cause you to feel so disconnected from “the real world” that you may use whatever technology is at hand to connect to others. On the other hand, having a baby and being in places and programs that strongly discourage the use of cell phones (in order to actively spend time being engaged with your child) has made me a bit more conscious of this. My need to be present expands beyond my son. I need to be present with my spouse and my family and friends.
Being in the same room with someone is not the same as being present.
I don’t want to just exist physically, I want to be emotionally and mentally present and engaged in the moment. Even if this means being around people less (because being engaged actually takes a lot of energy for me). The goal is quality not quantity.
3. Be Healthy
For many years (I have lost count of how many exactly), I have made some sort of health goal. Lose weight, workout more (usually I quantify these, FYI) – and I constantly fall short for a host of reasons. So, I am not doing that this year. This year, I want to be healthy. Period. Not just physically, but holistically. I want to be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually well. I have struggled in keeping that balance, particularly in the last year and I need to make sure I am the best me that I can be.
I can’t expect to focus and excel in one part while the others are struggling.
You can put supreme gas in your car, but if your battery is faulty, your car won’t work. Same for me. And that’s probably a big part of why I have been failing at achieving those physical goals. This isn’t all about massages and pedicures (though those are good add-ins as well), but making medical appointments, sleeping, developing skills, practicing thankfulness, taking downtime, etc… I have to take time to take care of myself so that I can also take care of others. This is going to be really difficult because I am self-sacrificial in nature, but I’m stating it and claiming it. I will achieve this one, slowly but surely.
4. Stop Comparing
Every day I probably compare myself to others at least 10 times (that is probably a GROSS understatement, but I am trying to be gentle with myself). 95% of the time, it is a negative comparison (i.e. “I am not as _____ as”). I’m not comparing myself with celebrities or influencers, but people who I know (have known/met). It is usually admiration, I don’t envy. But it’s hard. I think it has always been difficult for me, but becoming a mom has exacerbated those feelings.
Having a child means that not only do you compare yourself but you compare your offspring.
Parents do it without even realizing. We compare parenting styles, behaviour, eating and sleeping habits, activities, and so on. Maybe it’s normal, but it’s not healthy. The other day I found myself seriously debating if I was slacking as a parent because I hadn’t yet started to look at schools (my kid isn’t even 1.5 years old yet). Someone I knew whose child was only a few months older than mine had already done visits. Academics are really important to me—was I not on the ball? I tried to think rationally, they are in a different part of the world with different norms and different practices and I needed to relax. I want to do what’s best for my kid and be on top of things. However, trying to keep up with everything that some parent deems as “super important” it will cause me anxiety. I have no clue how hard someone is working or how much they have sacrificed to have what they have. And for all I know, someone is comparing themselves to me.
There you have it, my “goals” for the year. Now that I put this out for the world to see, I am so afraid that I am going to fail publicly. But my mom always told me: “Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you will land among the stars”. So, here goes!
“You have to set goals that are almost out of reach. If you set a goal that is attainable without much work or thought, you are stuck with something below your true talent and potential.” --Steve Garvey